1. There is nothing sweeter than your baby falling asleep in your arms. Thus, in order not to wake him or her, you become incredibly talented at using your left (or whichever is not your normal) hand to complete basic tasks (writing, stirring, typing, opening doors, etc.). The feet also take on the new invaluable roles of claw one and claw two.
2. When it comes to burps and farts, babies’ acoustic abilities will put any beer drinking frat boy to shame. And there is no sweeter sound than the loud belch of your baby after a feed (YESS!!). I have to say, you feel proud of your back patting abilities to coax the monster out. Why? That innocent little gulp of air he took in while eating could be responsible for an hour-long cryfest… unless, of course, Burpmaster Flex gets there first.
3. When people say you’ll never sleep again after having kids, it’s not true. AifdKfjdskleiwq. Wait, sorry, I just fell asleep. What was I saying? Oh no, yeah it’s true.
4. Since newborns are always passing-gas in public – oh how rude! – you might as well take the opportunity to blame your own gas passing on them. “Hm what’s that smell? Oh sorry about that! Looks like the little guy has gas today!” Very effective.
5. They grunt. I often wonder if a 60 year old chain-smoking New Yorker is hiding inside my baby.
6. As a new parent, normal boundaries of appropriate conversation topics no longer exist. It’s amazing the ease at which you’ll dive into a story about boobs, poo, nipples, and farting. To all non-parents, just try to appreciate our gruesome tale with the ears of a third grader.
7. You invent new words. One of my favourites is “The Drop.” Definition: The tricky attempt of laying your baby down in the crib without him or her waking up, after having fallen asleep in your arms. Attempt the drop too early: disaster. The key is waiting about 15 minutes after the little one has gone into an Inception-like sleep.
8. Explosive poops are real. I know survivors.
9. Even though babies cry all the time, they can’t actually shed tears for a few weeks. Seeing the first one fall down their adorable kissable cheek will make you want to cry too.
10. There are a lot of strange things about having a baby around, but the strangest of all, is just how much you can love a burping, farting, milk-hungry at 3am little monster so incredibly much. I know every parent thinks their baby is perfect…but seriously, ours is! 🙂